Ramblings

It's become ever more apparent over the last week or so that I am, for want of a better turn of phrase, a control freak.

Perhaps that's a bit dramatic.  I don't like not being in control, leaving things in other people's hands is difficult for me to do.  Nigh impossible.  If I can do something I will do it; if I feel like I could do something, I will feel compelled to do it.

This is sounding more like an obsession, and an unhealthy one at that.  I assure you that is not the case.

But I had thought more on the matter.  Most profoundly in relation to the events of last week involving a certain lady.  The thought struck me while watching a movie tonight - I really didn't like the idea of not being able to do anything, make any attempt to overcome the hurdle that is timing.  It's not that I felt helpless, no, far from the contrary.  Knowing me you will know that I am a determined being and timing is not something that will stand in my way.  It's just that on this occasion, there is nothing, absolutely nothing I could do.  And that bothers me.  Why precisely, I can't put my finger on, but I can have a crack - I get the feeling that I have to be in control, a sense of control, or at least the absence of uncertainty.

That's definitely something most people know about me - I loathe uncertainty.  With a passion. I hate not knowing.

I am getting better at dealing with uncertainty, in coping with handing things off and recognising when anything I do will not be of assistance.

Now that I've offloaded that piece of personal information and wanderings, I can rest a little easier.  God knows I'll need it over the coming week with recovering from a mediation on Friday, another on Tuesday and again on Thursday.

There is a light at the end of that tunnel though - I'll be in Wellington and get to have a slight break from my Auckland reality on Friday to Sunday.  Most excellent.

And listen to this - Calexico (or one member) in a black cab with a guitar, live, powerful, and strangely uplifting: